It's hard to articulate how time can simultaneously move so quickly and yet so slowly in a 12-month time span; how so much can change and yet feelings can remain so incredibly close to the surface. It's surreal to think that exactly one year ago today – even if it's one day later that bears the most prominence for me – siblet and I lost our Pa at the not-so-ripe age of 56. Unexpectedly, suddenly, and without a chance to say goodbye.
It's funny: With Prince's recent passing at 57 – which Papa would have also turned this year – it really foregrounded to me just how premature it all was. Their added musical connection and entirely individualistic natures only underlined the parallel (not that they're to be compared, but you can see how it evoked familiar feelings).
Firsts are always the hardest, and there'll always be little moments and unforeseeable triggers that catch me off guard. I've learned the hard way that it's ok to feel the shit bits; it's ok to be a bit vulnerable; it's ok to be a most-of-the-time incredibly happy human and still feel the waves of negativity that slap you round the face ever so often. And to let yourself actually feel them.
Because looking back on the past 12 months, the 6-week period from May 7th 2015 onwards – during which I completed my uni finals, graduated with a first, got my dream job and independently moved my life to Berlin (all the while contending with the loss of one of the most significant people in my life) has only made me realise more how bloody much us humans are capable of, not to mention how much we can grow as a result of life's aforementioned shit bits. Even if those meagre 6 weeks couldn't be more of a blur to me now.
Just like the post I impulsively wrote one year ago (see here), this little entry is a heart-on-sleeve sorta outpouring; an entirely personal – some might say selfish – stream-of-consciousness slur that's really here to document this significant spot in my life; for me. But if you happen to take anything from it, let it be this: Know that you're so much more capable than you give yourself credit for. Use – as much as possible – any shitty-life-event-induced energies to fuel your strongest, most determined, motivated self. And always let yourself have a cry when you need to (be it in public or not).
NB: The lettered quotes that appear here are all taken from conversations I had / voicemails I received from Denz; it's amazing how (in the moment) seemingly small sentences acquire such significance posthumously.
A petite reminder to write it all down!
